Starlight Ponderings

Savior Beat Poem Blues

2012-02-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

This world is torn by death and sin
It's broken and wasted
Empty and hollow
Black and decayed
And it is crying out to be healed
Restored
Revived
But we are powerless to repair
The best we can manage
Are frayed patches
That hold nothing
Together

So this world is rotting
We claim so many things
While knowing
It's our fault
If we are so hopeless
Then how can we hope?

There has to be a source
Of revival
Restoration
A light in a dim dark world
That light must have its source
Apart from us
Light that created us
Creation means there's a Creator
Creator God Who shaped us
Made us
Despite knowing we would break

In this He paved the way to heal us
For He loved us so much
To die for us
Live for us so we could be
Alive
Restored
Revived
Healed

For only God can take that which is dead
And cause it to live again
Born anew
This was Jesus message
That He came
Looking like us
So that we could
Look like Him

But there is a price
For our sin is great
And deserves nothing less than
To send us to Hell
But God
Loving us
Wished that no one would die
So Jesus
Paid that price
And died for us

But that is not the end of the story
Jesus did not die
And stay dead
He gave up His life
And took it up again
So we could give up our death
And take on His life

In His life
We are new
Given healing
Revival
Redemption

Our souls cry out for a Savior
Savior Christ
Savior Jesus
Savior God

Will you answer the call?

Blank Page

2012-02-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

Here I sit in my dark room
Reading pages that
Are all too blank
And hard to see

They wrote their verses
Words meant to inspire
Yet they wasted ink
Never to be seen again

Now I sit in wonder
Worried that I too
Am writing a blank page
Words empty and hollow

So, my friends and foes
I write this script to let you know
This one will do what he can
To not be another blank page

© Nathan Janes 2012

Mercury Blues

2011-03-05T01:44:00.000-08:00

The young man
Politely asked his wife,
"Please put down that knife,
One cut is all I can stand."

His wife was
Confused as to why
He would tell this lie
When the air buzzed.

You must undertand
His wife had went quite mad,
So she wasn't all that bad.
Her joy was rather grand.

But she was not to blame,
He was never the same
After he played that game.
He'd gone quite insane.

To you I give one task,
If you meet a mad hatter,
And something seems the matter,
Please, don't ask.

An Offering Much Too Small

2011-02-27T01:28:00.000-08:00

With tongues of men and angels dancing
We will learn to fly
As children weep and grown men mourn
You will not pass us by

What can I give You?
What can I do for You?
Just ask me please
I'll do anything

We dance a new dance of celebration
Not broken again
We read the words that don't pass away
Calling You friend

How can I be lovely in Your eyes
With healing in Your arms
And strength in Your Voice?
What is my offering?

Now we can stand up to our feet
No more fear
Now we can live with life brand new
For You are near

How is it we so soon forget
Exactly who Your are?
How can this be
That we've wandered so far?

I can think of only one thing I have
To offer
But it is so very small compared
To Your offer

Jesus, I give You my life
Take it all away
Even when I take it back
Lord, You take me as I am

Running

2010-08-13T15:10:00.001-07:00

His body ached in ways he had forgotten it could. How long had it been since he last went for a run this long? He was sure it was months at least, but the pain that had taken hold of his lungs as they begged for air was too great to really figure it out in his head. If he didn't know better, he would be sure he was dying. He wasn't dying, but that hardly mattered at the moment. His head was swimming; it was hard to concentrate on anything, making it ironic that he went on this run to clear his head. He wanted to think about things, be alone, and get exercise, and the best way he knew to do that was to go for a run.

He could only guess how long it had been since he left his house, and he wasn't completely sure how far he had gone. Judging by the sun, it had been nearly an hour since he left. It was always easier to tell the passage of time as the sun began to set late afternoon. He wiped the sticky sweat from his brow, not wanting it to trickle down into his eyes. The warm summer breeze hit his skin. He was glad the wind picked up a bit. Even if it was a warm breeze, it cooled him as it blew on his sweaty skin. It did nothing to release that sticky mat his shirt had become.

He half wondered what he was doing. Was he running away from his problems? Or was he simply running them down so they were easier to deal with? Possibly, he was just trying to tire himself so that he wouldn't have the strength to worry about things. People often told him not to worry, but he often thought that it was easier for them to say that than to live it. His sister often told him what would be would be, and he couldn't help but think that was another way of her telling him she had no idea. He released a heavy sigh and looked at his surroundings for the first time in a while. He was lost again.

Lost may not be the correct term, but it would be what most people would call him. He didn't think he was lost, merely unsure of his current location and what the best way to return home would be. He knew which direction home was, but he didn't know which streets would lead him there. Instead of taking the time to carefully map out in his head a course that would bring him home, he just picked a street and began walking. As far as he was concerned, he would find his way back as soon as things began to look familiar. Besides, he gave him more time to be alone.

In some ways it was strange that he craved being alone so much. He spent a good deal of time wishing he were not alone, but often dreamed of marriage. Of course marriage was rather impossible for him at the moment, for, besides multiple money problems that he was currently working on solving, he was also at present incredibly single. That fact alone often prevented him from such things like dates and cuddling and the like. It was often reported to him that it was not that he was not attractive, nor was it that he was a bad person, but rather he had yet to find the right girl, or woman in this case, that would love him for him and be his one and only. He couldn't help but notice his very same such advice came from people who were married and he felt they may be a tad bit bias in their opinions on the subject.

He shook his head, wondering why his mind had returned to relationships and the want of them. That was not the reason for his run. No, something else was bothering him. Sure, the want of a girlfriend had often driven him to long runs and even longer walks, but not today. Today was special. No, today he was trying to decide why he has his longing in his heart. He had felt like something was missing for some time, and he wasn't exactly sure what it was. Not too much had changed recently, nor had he had some break-up or ugly fight. It had just been, lately, he felt a longing that bit at his very soul. It was like a part of him was missing. Not that it had been ripped away, but rather that it was never there to begin with. It was like a hunger no food could satisfy, a longing no music could cure. He would lay awake at night, longing for something he could not obtain. He wanted something so badly, but he was not sure what it could be.

He had ruled out guilt some time ago. He had, at first, thought that maybe he had done something that he felt guilty about and his conscience would not leave him peace with which to sleep. He was wrong however. He knew it was not guilt for he had looked deep within and found nothing. Actually, no soul searching was done, he had just thought at length about his deeds in the past few months, and he knew that he had tried to find forgiveness for his wrongs. Guilt was not the answer. So the solution had to be elsewhere.

It was not that he wasn't tired. Overly tired was more like it. He found himself falling asleep at all hours of the day. Evening would roll around, and suddenly, his energy would come from nowhere and he would be unable to sleep most of the night. He had tried exercise, reading, eating, drinking water, everything he could think of. It may be worry that keeps him awake, he had thought, but his worrying spells came on and off so they were less likely the case.

While lost in thought, he somehow found himself at home. He wondered how he had managed the feat, so lost in thought as he was. He wondered if homing pigeons experienced the same thing. He looked behind himself, simply to see if anyone had followed him. As usual, no one had. He let out a sigh. Part of him had wished someone had followed him. He could rush inside, maybe fumble with his key a bit. He thought of the panic he could work his body into. What if someone had followed him? Maybe they wanted to rob him, or worse? He was already safe inside his home, getting ready to shower. Yet he couldn't stop thinking about the what ifs. Maybe they weren't following him, just some homeless man bumming his way through town, or some crazy person that had arguments with himself. And that is when it donned on him. He wanted a change. Not a change of clothes, but a change. He want to not feel the hurt he sometimes did, and he really wanted the migraines to go away. For now, he would have to settle with a shower.

Raindrops

2010-08-05T14:29:00.000-07:00

He awoke with a start to the sound of raindrops softly tapping at his window. He let out a small sigh as he rubbed the back of his head, fingers running through his hair. He slid his hand to his neck and scratched. He needed to shave. It had been nearly a week since a razor has last grazed his skin and removed the stubble, but he hated shaving.

Staring blankly at the window across the room, he saw that it was raining outside, but only barely. It was a small, summer shower. The kind that sometimes passed only to moisten the ground, and at other times raged into a storm. It was too early to tell which kind of shower this was. It hardly mattered either way. There had been enough rain lately, so he wouldn't be bothered with either outcome.

He reached for the glass of water on his nightstand. He fumbled a bit with it and spilled half of what was left on himself and his bed. It wasn't much. He had been drinking ice water to try and nurse away a headache. The glass wasn't quite empty when he was finally felt brave enough to try and find the sleep that had eluded him on this night. It's not that his head didn't hurt, it still did very much so, but he just wanted to sleep. He had heard earlier that day someone saying that headaches are not actually your head hurting, but your eyes telling you that your head hurt and something about blind people never getting headaches. Guy had said something about the brain having no nerve endings to be in pain. At this point, he was convinced that guy had no idea what he was talking about. All he knew for sure at that moment is that he had finally gotten to sleep and now he is awake again, still in pain. The pain was either so bad that the rest of his body was nearly numb to all sensation, or his brain was too overcome with the pain to really be bothered with much else.

Whatever the case, he took a sip of his water, not knowing if it was still cold or simply room temperature. He didn't care either way. As soon as the water, whatever temperature it was, hit his stomach, the sensation of wanting to vomit came again. He rushed to the bathroom, nearly tripping on his own clutter. The only thought he had as he tried so hard to either puke his guts out or not was something along the lines of not knowing how people can drink themselves to this state. He, as a matter of fact, had no alcohol in his system. He had once mused, during a time which his head did not feel as if it were on fire, that if his body would betray him this way on a normal basis, why in the world would he ever need to get himself drunk and possibly experience the so-called "hangover." He did not think of that now, however, he was too busy attempting to decide if it was better to puke or to resist puking. By the time he had made up his mind, it was too late and his body had decided for him.

Resting his head on the cool toilet seat, he was glad that the heavings had stopped. Any other time, he would have made a quiet joke to himself about how close his face was to the toilet, but not today. The toilet was to be respected for it's overall coolness. The raindrops could be heard loudly in the windowless bathroom. The shower had broken into a storm. He laughed a bit to himself. If anyone else would have heard that laugh, they would have thought he had gone crazy. He hadn't gone crazy, no. He had an idea.

Too weak to continue, he decided to ignore the pain and press on. Even though the headache was racking his body and sapping his strength, he would make one last stand. He forced himself up and out the door. Before long, he was outside, in the rain. It was the early morning and no one was awake to see the man, half crazy with pain, standing in the rain, getting soaked.

No one really understood what it was like when these headache came on him. There was a transformation at the time, similar, in a fashion, to the transformation of Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. Yet, instead of changing stature and such, the man's personality changed. He became single minded on one thing, to rid himself of the pain. He had tried in the past to wound himself to see if that would lessen the pain, to drink whiskey to try and kill the pain, anything. He became a beast in his own right. At the times he was not the beast, he had come to believe he was simply serving penance for the beast of rage that he harbored all the rest of the time. In his mind, he was simply trading one beast for another. One was a destructive monster that was always kept caged. The other was more of a single-minded brute that had one goal that it worked for and all other tasks were only completed if they could get him closer to his ease.

He had taken to drinking hard liquor now and then. He hated the taste of beer, but loved alcohol. Not to get drunk, he abhorred drunkenness, but to get slightly numb. He drank just enough to numb himself. Not numb physically, and not really emotionally. He was to calm the beast he felt was caged inside of him. He had a taste for things like whiskey and rum, anything that would kick your teeth in. He knew that some disapproved, and others who didn't know would be against it, but he didn't care. He was sure even the ones who knew would be against his reasons. Yet he would still continue from time to time to mix himself a drink or two. He could pretend it was to numb himself from bad memories, but the truth is he wanted to numb himself from simply being bad. Part of him wished the rain would wash part of him away.

Anew

2010-06-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

Move
Take that first step
Set your feet on the ground
And move

Breathe
Let go of that which holds your chest
wake up for the first time and
Just breathe

Look
At yourself in the mirror
Find the heart that lives inside
So look

Set the old man on fire
And burn the heart anew
From the ashes rise again
And be born the man new

Today's Rain of Yestermorn

2009-10-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

It's raining today
Like my eyes were
On the day
I heard the news

They said it happened quickly
And no one was quite sure how
You were there one minute
And no trace of you the next

It's raining today
Like my eyes were
That night
As I mourned

I remember the night before
Your soft embrace like love
And the scent of you
As heavenly as a dream

It's raining today
Like my eyes were
The next day
Holding on

We talked as if the world was ours
Like we held it in our hands
And forever was what we had to be
Together like two halves of the same whole

It's raining today
And I can't forget
I promised to live
Even if you can't

Wishing Well

2009-08-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I
Feel like I'm
Falling
Down
Down
Down

I think
That I see
You
Down
Down
Down

So I
Can let myself
Fall
Down
Down
Down

Yet you're never at the bottom,
But at the top of the well
And now I have to climb
Only to find
That you're already

Gone

Babble Rabble

2009-05-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

Long ago I learned to talk,
Simple babble that it was.
Shortly thereafter,
I gained the art of sentences
And advanced in my vocabulary.

Yet, with all these advances,
Babble still is all I can manage.
No quick wit is quite so fair
As to hide my vulgar speech
That I try and pass as lovely.

Ironic that a wordsmith would
be so unable to truly speak.
For I tried to say 'I love you'
Just the other day
Only to find that the words
Escaped me.

St. Valentine? Mo' Like Waffles!

2009-02-14T16:15:00.000-08:00

I've never been fond of this
A game we call it
Pretend

But I want to play for once
And win this time
Victory

Because we're more alike than that
And could do quite well
Doubtless

Tag and you're it this time
Laughing all the way
Love

The Sunlit Path (Where We Walked)

2009-01-22T22:13:00.000-08:00

I tried to remember the sunlit paths
That we used to walk on long, lazy days
I could feel the warm of light's embrace
And retrace the footsteps on the long trodden path

I remember the song of birds in the air
And the babbling whispers of the brook
I can remember how the leaves danced
And how the wind smelled so sweet

I remember the uneven path
And the softness of the grass
I still can feel the rain of the Spring
And the warmth of those Summer days

Yet there is one thing I fail to recall
It's rather silly actually
And I'm almost embarrassed to say
I can't remember you

It seems we walk together on this path
And have for a time and maybe more
Yet your visage passes more as a dream
There is little I can recall

Perhaps you are there and I don't see
Blinded by my own love and vices
I hope to see you in fullness one day
But until then, can we walk some more?

La-La-Lullaby

2008-10-10T00:16:00.000-07:00

All the girls and boys
Come out and play tonight
We'll stay past seventeen
As we grow in our twenty-something's
Swinging on the swing set
all singing

La-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la
La-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la
This ain't a lullaby
If we can't stay out tonight

Running just too fast
We'll all be heard
Paint the windows with apathy
Playing games with words
You hide and I'll be it this time
all singing

La-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la
La-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la
I won't grow up if you won't
Not if we grow up like them

All silent now
We forgot who we were
Sleeping in our beds
With no stories to keep us warm
No past to look back on
none singing

Ain't So Easy

2008-09-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

Somewhere over the rainbow
There's a man who grants wishes
Even if it's just for show
A prince is the frog she kisses
Where fairy tales lie
You'll find Easy Street
Where the good ones never die
(young)

But that ain't the way it works
It's never too easy
If you looks at life's quirks
It's never too easy
(here)

Pinocchio became a real boy
Alice went through the looking glass
Everyone got a brand new toy
And Humpty had class
Because the house is made of candy
When you press the easy button
It's all sort of dandy
(lion)

But that ain't the way it works
Life can't be so easy
But that ain't the way it works
Life ain't so easy
(after all)

Untitled Poem

2008-09-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

How do you know we're not true?
Are you able to know without knowing me?
Did someone tell you what would happen?
Or are you sure without knowing me?

I think there's a time for, "I love you,"
Even if that time is not now.
I think there's a time for us two,
Even if I don't know how.

How can you be so certain,
With so much still yet to learn?
How do you know already?
Or is it the uncertainty you fear?

I think there's a time for courting,
Even if that time is not now.
I think there's a time for closeness,
Even if I don't know how.

My Story

2008-08-31T00:25:00.000-07:00

This is my story
You can't write the prose
Without consulting me

This is my story
Only One may write it for me
And you could never be Him

This is my story
Don't think you know the pages so well
When the book isn't finished yet

This is my story
I'll script the chapters
You just read the lines

This is my story
My tale to tell
If you're lost, seek the Truth

This is my story
I'll pen it if you please
And He'll make the edits

This is my story
No one else's
So how could you know it better than me?

Words Unwise

2008-08-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

There is a story
That you meant to tell
A story of you and me
One that will never be

You thought that was my story
You feared that was my words
You misunderstood
And now I am crying

There is a story
That I meant to tell
A story of two lovers
Two lovers are not we

While it is true
I do fancy you
I never said I intended
To do more than be your friend

There is a story
Of misunderstood words
And a man too in love with what is not yet
Who's passion was crush needlessly

I never thought we were meant to be
I never thought we ever had a chance
It's just you remind me so much of her
My love who I still dream of

There is a story
Of two friends who spoke so long
But never really talked
Yet could be so much more

They could be writers
Set at common goals
Close, yet far away
I want you in my story

But not as the other role...

One Day

2008-08-28T21:03:00.000-07:00

One day I would like to talk with you
Without pretenses, without fear
One day I would like to dance with you
Without worry, without care

I don't know why this happened
I don't know why we hide
I don't know why we can't be honest
But I know we come back again

One day I would like to hug you
Without misconceptions, without confusion
One day I would like to tell you everything
Without running, without hiding

I don't why we stopped
I don't know why it tore apart
I don't know why there's this space
But I know we come back again

It Seems Too Dark To Be Hard

2008-08-25T21:01:00.000-07:00

Dark where the days when my story began
Hate, fear and loathing where all I knew
Once I nearly took my life in desperation
And I knew but one way to survive it all

Hate was my enemy, so now a friend
Rage was fearful, now it was a tool
I created a me that would fight back
A me that was dark and full of anger

This part of my personality grew
Until truly it was a festering wound
My rage fueled me and made me strong
It was more now, a creature to be sure

Little did I know that my life would change
Little did I know that God would save me
Little did I know that I would change
Little did I know of the beast inside

Now I am hurting, now I am fear
Now a beast dwells inside of me
Now I must kill what I created
Now I must rip it out of me

I have feared it, but now no more
I have trusted it, but it will leave
I have raised it, but it will die
I have caged it, but now I'll be free

Was I Sitting This Whole Time?

2008-08-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

Stop right there, don't take another step
I can't let you walk away like that
Not knowing how I feel this time

Stop right there, before you take another breath
Let me tell you the truth this time
Without you, my life seems like less

Stop right there, with what you just said
Don't you see that I love you
That this is the way it should be

Stop right there, I want you to know
I'll wait for you if I must
Until you run it by Him

Stop right there, don't take another step
Not before I can get on my feet
And walk the rest of the way with you

Once And Again

2008-08-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

Not of the hearts that men do crave
Not of the emotions that cannot explain
Not of the drugs, from free to slave
Not of the plans, all best lain

Once, broken and hungry
Crying when all alone
You took this from me
And gave me a new Home

Once, beaten and bruised
Running from the fear
Feeling washed up and used
You drew me near

Not of all the worldly desires
Not of all the meaningless words
Not of all the raging fires
Not of all the sheepless herd

Once, You came unwanted
To Save a world that was lost
You ended up hunted
But then You paid our cost

Once, we had no hope
Crying out for restoration
Having no way to cope
You gave us Salvation

Who Are You Now?

2008-08-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

There was a time that we had never shared
There was a time I never even knew you
There was a time that we were strangers
But now it's different and I'm lost here

Once I didn't dream of you and me
Once I didn't hope for what could be
Once I didn't want to be together
Now that's what I want until Forever

There was a time I didn't think of you
There was a time that simple things were mine
There was a time I didn't know your voice
But now it's different and I want to know

Once I didn't dream of you and me
Once I didn't hope for what could be
Once I didn't want to be together
Now that's what I want until Forever

I'm not sure what the future holds
I'm not sure if we're ment to be
I'm not sure what you feel
But now it's different and I...

Back Against The Wall

2008-08-06T09:39:00.000-07:00

Back against the wall
Bruises seem all too real
Screaming at nothing
Why can't you hear?

This is my story
And I'll write it
With my own sweat and tears
I don't need you telling me how it goes

I sit all alone in the hall
Crying for the lost things
Screaming at nothing
Why can't you hear?

This is my story
And I'll write it
No need for your edits
You're not apart of it

I'm not alone
Not with Him standing here
No longer screaming
I know that He hears

This was our story
We were writing together
But now it's my story
And you're but a chapter

Diary of a Shattered Mind? (Part I)

2008-07-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

The following tale is mostly true, after a fashion. It is not my will to present anything other than the truth, and these events must be told. However, I must admit the contents of this diary seem, at best, odd. While I do not doubt the original text is still held within the pages, much has been lost from damage and "revisions." If these rewrites and strike outs are penned by the same hand that wrote the original entries or not, I cannot say. What I present now are the pages of the diary in their fullest...

July XX, XXXX

It's been a year since her death, my dear, sweet ________. I remember the first night I met her. It was a chilly December's eve and she had forgotten her coat at the restaurant. We had all met for our monthly get together. Jim had brought her. Jim was always a sporting chap, but not very coy with the ladies. He thought by bringing ________ he could somehow woo her. I was at once enraptured.

Enraptured may even be too soft a word! Oh how beautiful she was! The light of the sun would pale in comparison to her radiance! No master sculptor could every create this kind of beauty. No artist ever paint such a masterpiece. No dress nor jewelry was ever beautiful before she wore it. But I'm rambling... I cannot think. I cannot truly write, for I am a man haunted by memories...

July X5, XXXX

Oh torments of torments! Oh woe of woes! Last night as I lay restless in mine own bed, I dreamt the most unfortunate of nightmares! My love, my sweet ________ was calling out to me from the beyond. I know not how she came to be in my dreams, but there she was! I ran to, as quickly as I could, but alas, I could not reach her! As I neared my love, a swirling darkness overtook her!

Try as I might, the darkness would not subside so I could rescue ________! Oh how I wept upon awaking. The tears now still in my eyes as I pen this entry. My very vision blurred by their presence! I fear sleep for it might bring much of the same misfortune as last night. However, this experience has drained me, and I must rest...

--------------

Ah, how refreshing an afternoon in the garden can be! My earlier dementia is no longer present. I have come to realize that the mind plays strange tricks on one, especially when reliving the death of one's wife. It is hard to believe it has already been a full year since I lost her.

Her illness overtook her suddenly, unexpectedly. No one could understand how she fell with the disease, nor could any of the many doctors we tried in desperation find a cure. Oh how many restless hours we spent in fear. I spent... Even while dying, my dear ________ always smiled. Every morn, even though I hardly slept from fear she would die in her sleep, her smiling face always greeted me. She always smiled, even though I always worried...

July XX, 1XXX

These dreams! Oh how I am tormented by these dreams! As my earlier entries describe the madding nightmares I am faced with near nightly! For the past couple of weeks my sleep has been disturbed with tormenting visions of my ________! Oh why am I so haunted!

This night, the vision was clearer than the last. It was as though vines of utter darkness began to overtake my beloved. Try as I might, I could not reach her, as some unknown, unseen force kept me at bay. Oh my love! Why can I not reach you!?

JXXy 2X, XXXX

It has been two days since I dared pen this journal. My sleep has been fitful at best. My friends worry for my health, but they cannot understand, no one can! My love, my sweet, my beloved! She is in danger! I cannot rest until I save her. I must save ________!

The nightmares have become worse, longer still. I try to save her as she ignores me. Ignores me as she always has. In every dream, ignoring me! Oh, why my sweet? Did I betray you somehow? Please, reveal my error!

--------------

I regret my earlier penning, for it was not wholly truthful. I had begun to speak ill my beloved. She is nothing but beautiful. In my state, I betrayed that beauty, something I will do what I can to avoid.

August XX, 1XXX

It is not my beloved that is being pulled away! It is I! Those vines are overtaking me! Once I realized this, I tried to fight them! They are trying to take me away from her! Yet, I am beginning to think this is best.

While the sickness was destroying her, I was sick with worry. Yet, she would not comfort me! Nay! She went as far as to smile, daily! Like she was laughing, laughing at me! That sickness had so corrupted her, she did not even feel. Sadness, happiness, these were but words to her!

Oh, how I could continue to watch her decay and slip into madness. The doctors assured me that she was find, but it was clear her mind was slipping. She was no longer my beloved, no, not mine. She was becoming some foul thing. When death finally overtook her, I'm sure she was at peace. Yes, peace...

August XX, XXXX

Foulest of foul, betrayers! These so-called friends, these serpents! These monsters! They have been plotting against me clearly! As I have been assaulted nightly by a foul creature in the guise of my beloved, they have been staging a plan to harm me, perhaps kill me!

Questionable sanity? They dare question if I am sane? Am I the only one to understand? No, many cases of visitations have been recorded, I am not the first. Many departed souls visit their loved ones in dreams. The great poets and writers record such themselves! Yet they claim I may have gone mad. I tell you now, I am clearly not daft!

Yes, I was in pain for my beloved, but it was torturous to see her so! ________! I could not see you suffer so! I had to do something! I could not sit by and watch you die. Especially when your doctor was murdered. Though it was a terrible deed, I cannot help but think he deserved it. He would not help you, he refused it! Begging all the while for more money, tell me he would not treat you otherwise! He was paid handsomely, and deserved none of it!

Story (The Reason)

2008-07-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

Can I tell you a story?
Possibly the greatest told,
The story of my Lord King?

He didn't have to come,
This didn't have to be.
He didn't have to come,
What couldn't we see?

Can I sing you a love song?
Possibly the greatest sung,
The love song of my Lord King?

Why did He have to come?
Was the world really gone?
Why did He have to come?
Is this sin really wrong?

Can I show you new way?
Possibly the greatest lived,
The new way of my Lord King?

If He never came
This wouldn't be
No Savior, No Friend
No Hope, No Love
We'd all be slaves to hate
Born to be stuck in system
Broken, Tainted
Scared, Sick

I couldn't be free if He never Came
I couldn't stand if He hadn't Died
I couldn't breathe if He hadn't Rose Again
I couldn't laugh if He hadn't Saved me

Now you know what to do,
Pray to Jesus, see it through
He can Save you too

How Do I Say Good-Bye?

2008-07-12T02:05:00.000-07:00

How do I say good-bye
when I still remember your touch?
How do I stand tall
when I still see your smile?
How do I sleep tonight
when I still hear your voice?

What if I held on longer?
What if I was there?
What if I stayed that night?
What if I...

How can I laugh out loud
when I still remember your smell?
How can I walk again
when I still see you standing there?
How can I learn to love
when I still hear your dreams?

What if I held on longer?
What if I was there?
What if I stayed that night?
What if I...

How can I say good-bye?
You're there in my dreams...
How can I say good-bye?
I miss you so much...
How can I say good-bye
when I never let you go?

Thoughts of You Again

2008-07-07T07:21:00.000-07:00

I cried the other night
When I thought of you
And remember the
Times we spent together

Did you know that night?
Did you try to tell me?

I often wonder if
I've lived a good life
If you'd be proud
Or if you'd cry

Did you know that night?
Did you try to tell me?

I'll never forget that night
Or the promise I try to keep
Because I think I loved you
As dearly as any one before

Did you know that night?
Did you try to tell me?

You are my wildest dream
You are my fondest memory
I'll live a life you can be proud of
And hope you are redeemed

I should have held on longer,
I wish I could have said good-bye...

O Ye Fettering Heart

2008-07-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

Do the chains that bind
really have to bind me?
Do the words that sting
really have to hurt so?
Do the tears we shed
really have to be so cold?

It wasn't meant to be this way
when it wasn't meant to be...

Why do fears leave us lonely
and hurts give us pause?
Why do mothers hate their children
and fathers scorn their families?
Why are broken homes common
and additions a way of life?

It wasn't meant to be this way
when it wasn't meant to be...

Is it so hard to hope,
but so easy to cry?
Is it better to run away,
but never stand your ground?
Is it right never to trust,
but always lash out?

It wasn't meant to be this way
when it wasn't meant to be...

Jesus came to save us
when we didn't know
that we needed to be
saved from the darkness
we had always known
and He showed us more.

It isn't meant to be this way
when there's so much more to be.

Early Morning Confession

2008-06-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

In the still of the morning
In the chill of the evening
I think of you

As I lay me down to sleep
As I pray to my Savior
I think of you

When we talked the night away
When we discussed our future
I thought of you

You say you don't want to be hurt
And that I can understand, Love
But I could never hurt you now

I thought of you
When we discussed our future
When we talked the night away

I think of you
As I pray to my Savior
As I lay me down to sleep

I think of you
In the chill of the evening
In the still of the morning

This Time

2008-06-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

I want to be honest
I thought for sure
This time
Wasn't like last time

Yet things didn't
Work as I hoped
This time
And I'm left unsure

So let's play a game
And I'll be your's
This time
I want to be your knight

You can be the princess
And I will come
This time
If this is what you want

No matter what happens
I don't want to repeat
Last time
This time with you

Puppy-Dog Tears

2008-06-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

I thought for sure I
Would die the other
Night and I made a
List of everyone
I would like to say
Good-bye to if it
Were true I died

Lists are funny things
They never seem to
Go the way you think
They will if you have
To make them at all
Because you expect
Them to be small

Only I could not
Fathom why I would
Think of telling you
Of all people I
Was going to die
And say good-bye for
Keeps this one last time

Very curious
That you would be on
On my mind at a
Time like that when I
May be no more for
This world except for
One personal fact

Everyone knows that
The heart is a hard
Thing to understand
And this event is
No exception to
This very odd fact of
Life we all find true

Yet I cannot tell
What events will come
To pass with what I
Have come to see now
While I tried to make
A simple list of
People late at night

Oft I have been sad
To find my feelings
Of fancy to be
All but false and I
Cannot bare the thought
Of you crying for
What was really not

Usually I do
Tell others my thoughts
But this time I have
Decided to hide
What I have to say
Until a time that
We are both ready

Doctor, Why Do Blue Skies Taste Dully of Victory and Apathy?

2008-05-27T01:17:00.000-07:00

"Last time," began Dr. Lauren, "we started to talk about the discontent you've been feeling. Could you elaborate for me today?"

Ted closed his eyes, wishing that once they opened again he would no
longer been in this office and no longer faced with the question.
However, as the sun rises to beget the day anew, so did the office
return, and the question remained. Ted took in a deep breath and
started, "Like I said, I'm discontent with things in my life. Everyone
is."

The therapist sighed at the avoidance of the question. Whenever Ted
didn't feel like speaking his mind, he would simply dance around the
issue. Dr. Lauren normally had to back him into a corner just to get a
few words. This professional took the chance. "So I guess what you're
saying is that your discontentment is the same as mine or even my
friends. Seeing as that's the case, I can tell you it's nothing and you
should just ignore it."

Ted looked at the doctor for a moment, almost in shock. He considered
the words for a bit, yet, in all his musing, did not see the vice in
play. He pondered his own thoughts, then replied. "I did not mean that.
I simply said that discontent was common and that it's not so special"
He took a breath, then continued. "I am discontent because I feel like
some thing's off. I know not what is off, but I know it is. I know that
it haunts me as I wake, and torments me as I sleep. I know that my
walking and talking are moved by it. My very being is infected by this
feeling, this thought, this idea. I am not a man moved by passions, yet
I feel passionate in my own case. I feel myself wanting something I
know in my very core should be, yet is not. It is my thought, yet I
cannot express it because, even if I knew who to express it to, I would
not know which words to say." Ted laid to his side, wishing this would
all just go away.

Doctor, Can You Stop The Bebop Don't Stop The Drop?

2008-05-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

"So Ted," said Dr. Lauren in a calm, soothing voice, "would you like to tell me about these thoughts you've been having lately?"

Ted shallowed the saliva that had built up in his mouth and licked his
lips as he considered his response. His therapist was there to ask
these sorts of questions, yet Ted still felt like he was being grilled
by some stranger. Ted had been seeing Dr. Lauren for 3 years now.

"Well," began Ted, "I have had thoughts of just running away and
changing my identity." He looked at Dr. Lauren, who just scribbled some
notes on that same note pad as always.

"Why do you have these thoughts?" inquired the doctor.

Ted sighed and said, "Because it so hard sometimes? Why else do people do think that?'

"I don't know Ted, why do you think that?"

Ted leaned further back in his chair, almost as if trying to disappear
into the chair and escape reality. Ted knew he would have to answer
this question at some point, but if he could avoid it for just a few
more seconds, just a few more, maybe he could somehow just exist
without knowing or caring about his own thoughts. Thoughts, feelings,
dreams, all these things were the topics of these weekly meeting.

"I don't know, I just feel cut off from everyone sometimes," said Ted
at last, his voice cutting through the silence like a hot knife through
ice, slowly melting the frozen water for no real cut and nothing left
of the ice.

"I'm not like everyone else, I don't think like they do. They see me as
different, alien even. I feel and think and move and breathe, yet, I do
all this separate from from them."

Dr. Lauren looked at Ted like a concern parent that looks at their
child when he or she claims they were abducted by aliens. With a shake
of the head, the doctor gave reply, "Ted, you know that people are
different, but no one thinks you're too different or too strange. We've
talked about this before. No one thinks as badly of you as you do."

"I know this," said Ted without frustration, "But aren't we all the
worst judges of ourselves? Don't we all think of ourselves poorly and
pretend we're so monstrous that we're unlovable?"

Dr. Lauren raised an eyebrow at this. "Why love Ted?" asked the therapist, "Why is love the concern here?"

"I think all people just want to be loved," said Ted. "I'm not so different, I know."

"Ted, you're avoiding me again."

"No I'm not, I'm not talking about her this time."

"Ted, we both know you still have feelings for her."

"Yes, so? Is that so wrong? Yeah, she doesn't return my feelings, yet I
don't press the issue. I care about her and I've tried and tired to
stop feeling this way, but I can't!"

Dr. Lauren sighed. "Ted, I'm not trying to tell you your feelings are
wrong, I'm not even telling you to stop feeling them. They are your's
and your's alone and I don't know why you are having them, but you are.
I'm not here to dictate your emotions, I'm here to help you manage
these feelings. I don't want you to get the wrong idea here..."